I am

I cried.
I realise how alone i'm standing. I've got no one to turn to, i dont choose because i cant even choose. Everyone's busy.

But i'm right here tearing and feeling pain. Pain that i cant describe in words.
I dont know why i cried, just all of a sudden, while the conductor speaks. I just feel annoyed and sad and pissed and guilty, just a lot of mixed feelings. I knew i had to say something to save the current situation, but reality speaks that i'm no longer a leader. Who would bother listening to me? So to speak, i'm afraid and frightened. It's barely less than a month to SYF.

I'm torn apart. Blame me, blame me for being who i am. A fucking fat girl who aint guts to say things out, who aint any initiative to tell friends how i feel, aint smart to tell others they've misunderstood me.

Someday when i get tired of life like this, i dont care if i'm young or incapable. I would really runaway from home. To somewhere where i know nobody. Maybe,..... heaven or hell

New term

It's march already.
And in no time, it'll be april. I'm 3 months into year 2011.

I was asked a simple question and had so much to ponder about. Remember your friends whom you were so close with in primary school/secondary school? Where are they now? People change as time passes, as the environment changes. The friends i once held on to were no longer here. No faults, no blames. It's just the nature. I make new friends every year, but ultimately, none stayed on. Sorry to say this, but i cant trust friends like how i trust myself.

Rhythms

People dont see that they dont change as much as they think they've changed.

Misunderstood

Many times, i felt that people misunderstood me. They seriously do. But i do not know how to explain to them. I wonder if explaining is even necessary, or would it make things worst. Some things i said were from a different point of perspective. I mean what i said. But it's a different thing i'm talking about. And sometimes, i dont even know what i'm saying.

I dont wish to be led by the nose. I dont wanna. I'm kally, i'm myself.

Miny tiny bottle

No, i dont find myself weird. But i do find others being weird. Make no sense? Pretty much illogical.
I always blame it on the different brains that every single human beings have. Thus the different perspective on the same issue. I grew to realise how a small little thing can affect my mood, my life. I say words i should not say, sometimes. I do things i should not do, few times.
I'm a bottle. Named kally the dumbass. I bottle up my emotions and words and actions. I fear to show them, for i know no one understands me. Even if they pretend they do, i myself know that, THEY DONT. This bottle is then left stranded on an island, not abandoned, but filled with human beings. So crowded (even though i dont like crowded places, but i cant choose whr i wanna be) that i am suffocated in the tiny little bottle. No one cares, no one feels for you, no one throw a glance at you.
All i ever wanted was real concern and feelings. No sympathy, no pretendance. But you know, i know, we all know. It's never gonna occur. Prolly in your sweet dream.

xx

Lost & deserted

I'm searching for someone i can lean on.
There's just so many things i dont get it, i dont understand.
Yet everyone refuses to answer the doubts i have.

You know it's a mask you see, yet you cant expose.
You know there's another side but you cant reveal.

I'm just exhausted when people get the wrong idea. I'm tired of explaining, cus i know they wont believe. They wont bother to listen even if i say.

I'm fat.
I'm one who can throw her bloody phone away.
I'm irritating?
I dont know, maybe people around are so fuckin perfect i have yet to realise.

I'm the bad guy, i will always fucking be one. Oh yeah.